Ode to Adulthood, or: 8 reasons I'm glad to be an adult

I love being an adult.

I often hear people talk about missing the days of childhood when life was simple. I don't know where they get the idea that life was simple as a child. Maybe that's true for them, but I remember childhood very differently.

8 Things That I Like Better About Being an Adult Than Being a Child:

1. I get to do whatever I want. All the time. Yes, I have to live in a system that has boundaries (like I need to do things to make money in order to be financially independent and thus have personal freedom), but I get to decide how I want to navigate that system. When I was a kid, I didn't have the final say in any decisions. For instance, my parents would force me to play a sport (I think because they wanted me to get exercise), even though the pressure of being on a team and the embarrassment of not understanding sports and lacking coordination made this an extremely uncomfortable experience for me. This kind of thing happened all of the time. Maybe if I had adult-level communication skills, I could have convinced them not to, but I didn't because I was a kid. Now, as an adult, if something makes me extremely uncomfortable (and isn't worth it to me), I can just choose not to do it. Like dissecting a pig in college biology lab. Fuck that shit.

Also, when there are things that I really want, like a kitten, rather than being confined by my parents' wishes, I get to decide whether or not it's worth it to me to put in the work to make that happen. Last year I really wanted a kitten/cat, so I fostered a cat that needed a home, it was great, but then I figured out that I didn't want to have the responsibilities of having a cat, so I gave him to a better home (ilu Catito), and I no longer have to live optionlessly with the burning desire to have my own kitten.

"I would rather have brain surgery again than get another cat." -My dad

Catito xoxoxo  [Photo credit Molly McGuire, Catito's new loving caregiver]

2. Making a joke at my expense is considered rude. Sometimes when I see adults talking with a kid, one of the adults will be like, "What's your favorite book? Infinite Jest?"* and the adults laugh because it's funny to think about a kid reading a really long, difficult book, and the kid feels awkward and alienated because they don't know how to respond when they don't understand the joke (at least that's how I felt when this happened to me as a kid). They're thinking, "Is Infinite Jest not a book? Is it an erotic novel? Is it a baby book?" and each of these options would have a different appropriate response. Should I scoff and say, "Nooo."? Should I blush and yell, "NO!"? If someone made this kind of joke about something I didn't know (and didn't make up for it by then warmly explaining it to me), the other people around would probably be concerned about my feelings, and they might think the jokester was being an asshole.

*Not a real example from my life.

3. I don't have to rely on others for transportation. Not being able to get places on my own was the worst! I'd be in love with some guy from the next town over and my parents would only let me see him once a week, because they had to drive so much to get me to his house. If he lived half an hour away, they'd drive half an hour there to drop me off, then back, then a few hours later they'd do it again to pick me up. So that totals 2 hours of driving in one night, and they don't get anything out of it for themselves. Now I get to decide whether travel time is worth it to me to see people, so I don't have any tragically under-fulfilled relationships where I only get to see the person 1/7th of the amount that I want to see them.

Feeling the freedom of independent transport

4. People are almost never blatantly mean to me. Every once in a while, some asshole driver will beep at me when I'm on my bike doing nothing wrong, but that doesn't compare to how kids make fun of other kids all of the time. I didn't even experience much bullying; I probably did more bullying than received it (sorry to anyone I might have hurt). But people being mean to me was way more common in my childhood than it is now.

5. It's not considered acceptable for people to belittle my feelings. I remember sometimes when I was extremely upset or frustrated as a kid, my mom would be like, "You're just tired. Stop being cranky!" and I would be like, "NOW SO MUCH MORE UPSET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Maybe I was being tired and cranky; I don't know, but I definitely was having some real and intense feelings, and other people refusing to acknowledge them was beyond frustrating. As an adult, even when I'm PMSing and my emotions are completely unreasonable and over the top*, whoever I'm with will just give me a hug and be respectful. They might even say, "Do you think that you might be more upset about this than you'd normally be because of your period?" and if I don't think so, I can say, "No, this thing I'm upset about is a big deal for me," or if I think it might be that, I can say, "Probably," and the person is still compassionate about the fact that I'm having difficult feelings. And if people do belittle my feelings, I don't have to keep hanging out with them. Or I can say, "I feel like you're belittling my feelings," and they'll think about it.

*Though this is my experience of PMS, many women do not have intensified emotions before/during menstruation.

6. Being cool is less important and less clear cut. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be popular, but I was too weird. I went to school with the same group of kids for my entire childhood, so they all knew I wasn't cool. They remembered all the weird stuff I did, like chasing other kids around at recess in an attempt to hug them. (I would give more examples of why I wasn't destined to childhood popularity, but I suspect I repressed some memories, because I'm having trouble coming up with them.) But now I'm not stuck in a small community where everyone knows everyone else, so there are plenty of people who don't have preconceived ideas about whether or not they should like me. Also, in the general community of Boston, ideas about what is cool and what isn't are a lot less stringent than they were in my grade in the Easton public schools. Now a lot of the things that made me seem weird before can be seen by some people as endearing quirks. "Oh you love dogs and want to talk about how much you loved your now dead dog all the time? How sweet. I'm vegan."

7. Embarrassment isn't usually as bad. I  remember being so unbearably embarrassed as a kid when embarrassing-type things would happen, like I'd accidentally wave at a person who was really waving at someone behind me. But in recent years, I figured out that when I'm feeling embarrassed, I can say to the person I'm with (often the person I'm feeling embarrassed in front of), "I'm embarrassed." This pretty much always prompts them to say, "You don't need to feel embarrassed! It's just me!" Saying it out loud helps me to remember that embarrassment is just a feeling that happens sometimes and that's okay. And talking about it reminds me that the person I'm talking to also gets embarrassed sometimes, and they can relate to what I'm feeling. Also, my concept of myself is more developed now than it was when I was a kid, so it's not as fully defined by what others think of me.

8. I don't have to hang out with my parents all of the time. Even when I was young enough that my parents still seemed like the coolest people ever, they didn't have nearly enough energy! I'd be like five years old and ready to climb and entire mountain and they'd be like, "I think now might be a good time to turn back," and I'd be like, "I want with my entire being to continue climbing this mountain for at least as long as we've already been climbing it," and they'd be like, "No, we're too tired." And then I got older and was annoyed with my parents all of the time because I was an angsty teenager, but I still had to be around them for a significant amount of time every day because I needed them to feed me and drive me places, and I lived with them. Now I get to choose how much to see them, and if they're driving me crazy, I can just leave.


I don't think I had an especially difficult or troubling childhood, but I like being an adult so much better! How about you? Do you long for childhood?

Post-Christian ethics, or: How to be a "good person" without an absolute moral code

I used to read the bible a lot (note the resemblance of my hair to a Hershey's Kiss). 

I recently met someone who struck me as a really "good person" and, in my bout of idealized esteem for this person, felt that I wasn't "good enough" to deserve for him to think the same thing about me. This sounds like your run-of-the-mill low self-esteem insecurity problem, but I don't think that's what it is -- I think that I logically believe that I am lacking in the "being a good person" department, and have been for years.

Why would I think this about myself? Let me give a little background information:

I was a conservative Christian from the ages of 13 to 19 -- some very formative years. During this time, I adopted the standard conservative Christian ethical living guidelines (lets call them SCCELGs, "skelgs"):

-No drinking

-No drugs (with the exception of the widely accepted caffeine, and possibly others)

-No swearing

-No lying

-No blaspheming

-No sex until marriage

-No non-heterosexual anything, etc.

Of course it was hard to adhere to such strict rules, but in one way it was easier than the alternative: I didn't have to determine moral guidelines for myself; they were just given to me (by other Christians).

There were some times that I had to Think For Myself about how to apply the SCCELGs in a certain situation, but for the most part, moral decision making was very black and white (i.e. "I will not try alcohol because it is wrong").

Then, when I decided I was no longer a Christian at the age of 19 (this meme sums up my reasoning), I had to come up with my own, personalized set of ethical living guidelines (ELGs, rhymes with "skelgs").

In my quest for my own ELGs, it seemed fitting to try things out before writing them off as "immoral" (with some exceptions, like murder) so I decided that it was okay if I made mistakes and did things I would later determine to be "bad" in the process of trying to figure out my ethical living guidelines.

Two years later, I am surprised to find that I am still living by this "try to do good, but if you don't know whether something is good or bad, try it" principle.

What I didn't realize when I first came up with this principle was that I will probably never decide on an absolute, complete, timeless set of ELGs -- which means that this "phase" of experimentation (and leeway for wrongdoing) could last the rest of my life.

So how do I hold myself to a high moral standard when I don't have an absolute set of ethical living guidelines? Well, I have a few ideas:

1. Rather than trying really hard to avoid making mistakes, I will make an effort to do the most good I can, with an emphasis on treating people well in everyday life. I'll remind myself to enjoy doing good things for others, not "cut corners."

2. Listen to my gut feeling more. The things I've done recently that I ended up regretting were all done when I was extremely unsure to the point of being hesitant. I'll raise the bar a tiny bit for how sure I should be before trying something: I should at least be at "totally unsure," not at "leaning towards no."

Spectrum of Certainty

3. Keep actively working on figuring out my ethical living guidelines. Even though I don't see myself declaring a set of ELGs that are as absolute and complete as the ones I knew as a Christian, I do think that I can come up with some guidelines to use as a starting point for ethical decision making. For example, I see myself eventually making a decision about whether or not I think drinking is a good thing for me (I like drinking, I don't generally do too much regrettable stuff when I'm drunk, but what about the time I was drunk and my friend was having a major crisis and I couldn't drive to see him? Should I refrain from drinking in order to always be available to meet the needs of the people I love in case they need me?)

4. Figure out some sort of way of being spiritual. I'm not looking to be religious, but I think a spiritual life can be rewarding and nourishing to my sense of self. I find that nature makes me feel spiritually fulfilled, so I intend to focus my spiritual pursuits around it.

How do you figure out your ethical living guidelines? Whether you're religious or not, it takes some intense consideration. What works for you? Is there anything you want to try to work toward being more ethical?

The "I Did It" List

I just started reading a blog called Smaller Sarah which chronicles a woman's journey to lose 75 pounds in one year. Though I have no interest in weight loss, I got hooked by a post on raw foods and continued reading because of the positive insights throughout each post.

Some of my favorites are:

"All the little things I've been longing for and dreaming about appear en masse.  It can be a little overwhelming, but its important to be open, ready and willing to say YES." (from this post)

"When I started boot camp in early November, I wasn't sure if it would work into my busy schedule.  I could only manage two of the three days a week and felt like it was an extra burden of time and money that I didn't have to spare.  But that's a pretty normal reaction to something new.  Most of us think that of all the things we lack, time and money are at the top of the list.
But I don't feel this way anymore.  Now instead of wondering how healthy eating and working out will fit into my schedule, I plan my daily life around eating well and working out." (from this post)

"The more I engage in a full physical life, the clearer and more expressive I become." (from this post)

But the the best thing I have gotten out of Sarah's blog is The idea of a weekly "I Did It" list!


I'm going to try to do this, too.

This week, Smaller Sarah's "I Did It" list is:

The "I Did It" List

three hours of boot camp

made healthy meals for my family all week

played catch with my son when the weather was nice

bought a box of produce from Bountiful Baskets Co-Op

juiced most mornings

Now for my "I Did It" List:

The "I Did It" List

Started selling my handmade jewelry at Janet's Consignments (haven't actually sold anything yet)

Went to a Student Immigrant Movement meeting and made plans to make informational flyers about immigrants and a video of interviews with immigrants. Then got home and made an informational flyer!

Went roller skating with beloved friends

Worked two days and went to all of my classes

I think I did of a lot of good stuff this week. It feels great to look back and appreciate what I've been able to accomplish! I'm proud of myself.

What did you accomplish this week? Share your "I Did It" list in the comments!

Talking about menstruation!

I spend about 1/5 of my time menstruating. Most of my sick days are due to menstrual cramps. I get period blood on my fingers when I remove/insert my menstrual cup.

My period is a substantial part of my life.

So why is it taboo to talk about something that is a substantial part of the lives of every female in the world?

You'd Think We'd Never BledBook: Avoiding the Topic of Menstruation Since 1903
From Adventures in Menstruating

"Your health worries explained: Let's all just pretend there's nothing down there!"

This reminds me of the many unsatisfying experiences I've had with doctors on the topic of my vagina, including having to teach my doctor what a menstrual cup is just a few weeks ago (they're not that uncommon!).

In my opinion, our culture's unwillingness to talk about menstruation oppresses females in a lot of ways:

1. It sends the message that this bodily function is gross and unmentionable, which discourages females from loving their bodies.

2. It fails to educate girls about menstruation. Some girls never hear of menstruation at all before their first period (and therefore assume they're wounded, which can be traumatic).*

And the conversation that our culture does have about menstruation focuses on sanitary products, not the significance of fertility or womanhood.

*This info is from The Body Project.

3. It produces men who lack an understanding of menstruation.

4. It leaves females unskilled at talking (and questioning) about their bodies because they have not learned comfortable (or any) words to identify their body parts.

"Women still struggle to find a vocabulary that does not rely on Victorian euphemisms, medical nomenclature, or misogynistic slang." -Joan Jacobs Brumberg, The Body Project

I totally struggle with finding a vocabulary to talk about my body. What do I call my vagina? "Vagina" sounds a bit too medical, "pussy" is a word people use to insult each other, and any sort of euphemism is totally against my passion for bluntness.

There is a movement called menstrual activism, radical menstruation, menstrual anarchy, or menarchy that strives to change the ways that menstruation is dealt with by society.

Menstrual activism may include:

-Speaking openly about periods
-Challenging negative attitudes toward menstruation
-Campaigning for more environmentally friendly sanitary products
-Campaigning for safer sanitary products

"Do we have to regard our period as something dirty? Do we have to greet a girl's first period with silence?" -Chris Bobel

Pagan menarche ceremony

Some cultures have rituals for menarche (a girl's first period) that celebrate the girl's rite of passage.

I can see how the above photo might seem silly to a lot of people -- white, Western women imitating tribal rituals that they likely have no ties to. But I think there is good in it. It can be a good thing for people from one culture to adopt the practices they value from other cultures.

A menarche ceremony:

1. Helps a girl to feel welcomed into the world of womanhood (through the sharing of stories, the celebration of womanhood, etc.).

2. Provides a girl with an opportunity to contemplate the weight of her newly found ability to make babies.

3. Fosters solidarity and bonding among all of the women and girls involved.

4. Creates an opportunity for those who have had their periods for a time to share stories -- funny stories, embarrassing stories, stories of lessons learned, etc. which can help the newly menstrual girl gain an understanding of menstruation in an emotional and spiritual light (as opposed to learning just the medical facts, like how to use a tampon).

5. Brings meaning and gratification to the life-changing event. If a girl's first period is not acknowledged beyond the purchase of sanitary products, it may feel unfulfilling (like when it's your birthday, but it doesn't feel like your birthday).

6. Helps a girl to feel more in tune with her body and nature by allowing this naturally occurring event to dictate when a ceremony will take place.

To clarify:

Do feminists hate men? I'd estimate that most feminists do not hate men, though some might. Feminism is "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes" (Merriam-Webster Dictionary), not the theory that any gender is better than another.

Do I think a menarche ceremony is the only meaningful way to address menarche? No, I just think it can be a good way to do it, but I'm sure that some girls would prefer not to share this experience with friends and parents' friends. Of course, a girl's preferences and feelings should be central to how her first period is addressed.

Activists combat the notion that menstruation is gross:

A piece from Ingrid Berthon-Moine's collection of photos of women wearing menstrual blood as lipstick

"consider the idea of tasting your own menstrual blood" -Germaine Greer

Ingrid Berthon-Moine's "Red is the Colour"

Painting using menstrual blood

Why do I think these quirky artistic endeavors are worth mentioning?

1. They send the message that menstruation is beautiful. They feel to me like celebrations of womanhood and menstruation.

2. Since switching to a menstrual cup (instead of tampons/pads), I have been looking for ways to use my own period blood (because a menstrual cup collects it in the cup, rather than absorbing it into fluffy material). Menstrual blood seems potentially useful -- I've considered using it as a dye. I hadn't thought to use it as paint, but that seems like a worthwhile project. It makes a point and it is free paint (paint is expensive!).

3. I think art is a powerful form of peaceful activism.

The New Yorker's cover addresses Thanksgiving/immigration controversy

The cover of The New Yorker's Thanksgiving issue
Illustration by Christoph Neimann

The title of this piece is "Promised Land."

The artist, Christoph Neimann, commented:

"I'm an immigrant myself and what I always found staggering is that there are tons of Europeans who get green cards and I know some of them are not legal from the get-go and that never comes up. Having a racial undertone in this debate is extremely hurtful. It shouldn't have anything to do with where the immigrant comes from."

The Huffington Post just published a really interesting article about this.


Here are a few other noteworthy works by the same artist:

"Dependence Day"

"Divided We Stand"

"S.O.S."

"Dark Spring"
(like Silent Spring)

One of Einstein's non-scientific contributions

My friend Christine recently blogged about this quote by Einstein that I like so much I decided to post it here too.

(Background is Australian Aboriginal art, font is Parker's Hand, one of my recent free Photoshop downloads)

"Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid." -Einstein

This reminds me that I never finished reading A Briefer History of Time last year! I got to page 30 and kept reading it and rereading it, but couldn't get it. This time I'll try to read Prisons of Light - Black Holes since it is said to be easy to understand.

Black holes, I want to understand you!